Wednesday, November 12, 2008

$&@&#*)!!!

WARNING: I HAVE A SEVERE CASE OF POTTY MOUTH WHEN UPSET.
KTHANKS.

Okay. This year has sucked, sucked, sucked. I mean, it seems like I barely made it home from my honeymoon last year that all the sickness I had felt off and on moved in permanently, and I suddenly could do about 1/10 of what I used to. Many days, going to check the mail put me flat on my back for the rest of the day.

So, I gained weight. Don't get me wrong...I know I am still well within the "normal" range for my height, and blah blah blah, but I don't have any business being this size. I am small-boned. I have long lean muscles somewhere under...this. My knees and hips ache daily when I try to exercise (no wonder...each pound gained adds 25 pounds of stress on each knee when walking. Try jogging. yeah. right.). I am so unhappy about it that I don't want to do anything...go out, practice Pilates, see old friends...hell, THIS is the sole reason I have not yet returned to Bikram yoga.

Read that again. I have not returned to doing something I loved and did every single day for almost five years because of my weight.

It really is fighting me. I swear, all I ever want anymore is sugar. All those "good" things that people eat to reduce calories? Whole grains, lean protein, etc? Can't digest any of it. Raw vegetables? Only if they are pureed. And thanks, but no thanks. My digestive system has come so far, but may never be able to handle these things. A salad without any cheese, croutons, or dressing...just vegetables...would make me so sick for so long that had I a job, I would have to call in for two days. So, basically, I can eat a lot of stuff that isn't very satisfying (I drink it. Yay. Fucking fun.) and has tons of calories (A 300 calorie smoothie? Great. That's one without much nutrition. Add the greens, the coconut oil for fat, the hemp seed protein...there is a third of what I want to eat in a day, and I'm hungry an hour later.)

It's either constantly fight and think about how "it's okay to feel hungry" or give in and pig out. Or eat something satisfying (wow. a bowl of plain plain plain oatmeal) and pay for it all night and the next day. I'm so fucking sick of it that I'm ready to give up. Fuck teaching Pilates, I'm sorry but I wouldn't want a fat Pilates teacher. Fuck dressing nicely, fuck exercising, fuck even leaving the house.

So I ask my chiropractor for help, even though I have really low expectations. He's a nutrition expert. Well. So am I after years of shitty food issues, then digestive issues, and now autoimmune thyroid disease. Trust me. But I figure, another (educated) perspective could help.

So I write him what is basically a book...several pages of how I feel, how I used to feel, what I eat, how much I would like to eat, photos of me at my happiest weight (read: before I had any kind of thoughts about food other than "hungry? eat. yum. thanks. no more. full. no thanks.") and basic info about me and what my goals are.

And he tells me: "I think you should stop counting calories."

Thanks. Thanks a lot. Now, HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO STOP GAINING WEIGHT, MUCH LESS LOSE IT, IF I JUST RANDOMLY STICK CRAP INTO MY FUCKING MOUTH????

As much as I would LOVE to be one of those elusive perfect women who just eat when hungry, stop when full, exercise because it feels good, and stays the same perfect weight, I'm NOT. Left to my own devices, I can easily eat 2-3 times what I need. And with my activity level, I need a LOT. I have no "off" switch, and to make it worse, once I go over my own daily set limit, I say "FUCK IT LET'S MAKE YOURSELF SICK YOU FUCKING PIG GO DIE!!!" and eat shit that I would not want to even admit I put in my body.

So yeah. I can eat, basically, certain fruits, a few select veggies if pureed, baked potatoes, lentils (but I'm not supposed to; some people claim that they suppress thyroid), Organic Food Bar (a mix of almond butter, flax seeds, and other raw stuff...again, not supposed to eat b/c of thyroid but I do anyway) and, oh, that's about it. Anything else makes me sick in some way...extreme fatigue, weird allergic reaction, severe digestive upset for days. My life sucks, I don't want to go out, see people, do my job, or even go to the gym any more. Most of my clothes oddly still fit but if I am not careful I look like a slut trying to show too much skin and flop her boobs around (me when fit: 32 small small B. me when at worst: 32 pretty big D. Yeah. Some women would love this but I think it is gross, and never will understand implants.) I'd like my stuff to fit like it is supposed to. I'd like to not feel so fucking gross all the time. I'm really unhappy, and it really is just this. I should be happy. I have a great husband, a pretty comfortable life, a family that isn't perfect but much better than average, and a lot of interests (if only I could stay interested and not let my body get in the way). I kind of feel like I was somewhat genetically blessed: not a model, but it could be a LOT LOT LOT worse. I feel like shit that I am so unhappy, but it isn't anything that anyone around me could fix or control.
Blah, blah, blah.

Back to the chiropractor...I'm so frustrated. I wish I could even TRY to "not count calories" but that sounds like something I would like to try to do AFTER the weight is gone and I am comfortable experimenting.
He wants me to see a lady who he says "is not a therapist" but would help. Wow, how vague. I have tried it all. Therapy, Reiki, weird rituals involving calling up friendly spirits (not my idea, and don't ask, I was trapped in a weird situation in Hawaii of all places), regular doctors, alternative doctors, meditation, essential oils, homeopathics, food combining, list goes on and on and on and on and on. As much as I love yoga and try to stay vegan and try to stay as natural as possible, I can't do the whole chanting dancing emotional blech that people throw around. No, I am not closed-minded. I have tried all this stuff...and instead of the "emotional freedom" I am supposed to feel, it makes me uncomfortable and impatient and anxious. I have tried. MANY times.
So now what? Seriously, I feel like I'm not worth getting my roots done, fixing my pedicure, or even brushing my god damn useless teeth. It's the shittiest existence I can imagine.

And if you have read all this, wow, thank you. I can go on and on forever. So thanks.
And extra thanks if you don't immediately think I'm completely out of marbles.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

wishing you the best. nathaniel

♥ Chloe said...

Hi Shannon, I'm sending you a message on Myspace. :)