Friday, November 7, 2008

ANGRY FACE

Let's talk about...having "work" done.

(I know. Such a surprise coming from OCD Chemical-Free Girl. I know.)

I've had a love/hate relationship with my face throughout the years. (Doesn't everybody?) I think everyone has a gripe about their face. It could be their eyes, their neck, their complexion, scars, broken veins, blackheads...whatever. Usually, if it bothers you enough to affect you negatively, something relatively simple can be done to improve it. At one point, I hated my nose. I was 11. It got better. I hated my big forehead. Then I got a clue about the fact that those early-90's Alice bands were not for me. The list goes on...when I was young, I looked TOO young (being 16 and mistaken for a 7th grader?-not fun!). Now that I am starting to get little lines on my forehead (too much worrying, too much refusing to wear my glasses or contacts and squinting) I feel like they are HUGE WRINKLES and make me look 40 (if you don't know, I'm 29). Some days, it bothers me a lot, but mostly, I am okay with it. Your face is supposed to age. You smile, you cry, you laugh...you get lines.



But the one thing that I truly hate about my face is not caused by aging, and can't be fixed with Botox or a facelift or anti-wrinkle cream or chemical peels.

I feel like I have no lips. And looking at my mother, I am afraid for my future.
Sure, big lips are sexy, "in," and a necessity for porn stars. But over the years, I have realized that people think I am making a face at them, when in reality, it is just my face. My ridiculous, tiny, doll-lips, at my age, just make me look angry or bitchy. Not the kind of person you would want to approach. Not the kind of person you would want to work with.
I realize that in most photos, you want to be smiling. However, most people can get away with a candid in which they are not smiling, and not look like a serial killer contemplating her next hit. I, however, look like an angry psychotic with HUGE eyes and a pinched mouth. And yet I am not pinching it. That's just my face. When I was 14, I went to Glamour Shots. (It was highly popular in 1993. The pageant cowgirl hair and all.) The photographer took only one shot of "serious face" and that was it. The rest turned out great (if you can ignore the 90's clothing, stupid poses, and above-mentioned hair). The "serious" one? I looked PISSED OFF. I wasn't. Come on, I was 14 and pretending to be a model. Think I was mad? NO!
A couple of years ago, my ex posted some photos from a club's grand opening on his website. I made him immediately remove all the candids of me...talking to a friend, buying a drink...not because my outfit sucked (it did, but that was the least of my problems) but because I looked like a petulant, angry, crazy person.
I never wear lipstick, because contrasting the color between my lips and face make them look even smaller. I have been known to mix flesh colored powder with shiny clear gloss. That's it. No darker shades, ever.
I don't want Angelina Jolie's lips, I don't want porn star lips, I don't want people who have never met me to look at me and say "wow, your cosmetic surgeon sure is good!"

I do, however, want lips. Ones that stay around long after the lip plumper has been licked off, ones that make me look content when my face is relaxed (as opposed to angry).
I realize something like "having work done" is a big deal. It is not cheap, it can be botched, and some options (I already know) are not for me. I am not positive I will even do anything about it. I have, however, started a "lip fund" in which I place 2/3 of the money that I would normally spend on stupid things (junk food I don't need, books I would read in one day and then donate to the Salvation Army which can easily be found at the library, a stupid tank top that I might wear once and then send to the back of the closet, etc...and the other 1/3 is for credit cards, but I digress).
It is an incentive. I am trying to reach a goal (more on that some other time) and once I am there, I plan to go for a consultation. No promises, no deals. Just to see.
Because even though I am generally happy, people always ask me what is wrong. Aging is going to happen, and I'll decide how to deal with that as well. But feeling as if the world completely misunderstands you because of something like your mouth? Unacceptable to me.
So we'll see...

2 comments:

Colleen said...

first to clarify, I don't really think your lips are small... but I do agree about your Mom's being pretty thin... why do you think her Mom had liner tattooed on? Anyway, if it is what you want, then save the money and reach your goal. If it makes you feel better, do it. I have a couple things I would consider myself : )

Shasta said...

Okay, this is what you do. Get your lips done! If you don't like it, it will be gone in 4-6 months. Get juvederm ultra plus (I work in the cosmetic derm industry) it is fabulous and soft. You don't have to get huge major lips, just try a little and see what you think. You're a smart cookie and will research this very well and will come to a conclusion that you are comfortable with. I am a vegetarian/sometimes vegan.. who also freaks the "f" out about chemicals, but no worries for me about the juvederm. It is made from hylaronic acid which is totally natural. Juvederm is also a very soft natural feeling filler.

You're right, there will always be something that we, as women, find to be flawed about ourselves.