You know, I have a real love-hate relationship with being an adult.
As I approach 30, I realize that I've been through things that would cause many people to give up, shut down, or freak out (not that I haven't freaked out a little bit, but I'm still here!)
I also realize that, as much as I loved going away to college, moving away on a whim, and pulling all-nighters several times a week, I feel more and more like me as I get older. When I was younger, I had no personal style, didn't like myself very much, and just latched on to someone else's mannerisms and styles for a while before tiring of them and moving on. (That sounds worse than it is. I promise.) I see people in their early 20's now, people who seem so much more...together...than I ever thought I did, and I wonder how they do it. And then I see photos of myself and think "Okay, I looked like I had it together, but inside, I knew what was really going on, and it certainly wasn't poised."
That's my word for this year-"poised." Ever since someone used it to my face, I have seen that "poised" is exactly what I have been aiming for all my life. People try to compliment you, call you "cute" or "hot" or "attractive" or any number of things, but somewhere deep inside, you freak out, thinking, "How long does 'hot' last? Aging is scarier than death...will 'cute' still be around when I'm 50? Will it matter?" Maybe it will. Maybe I'll still be "hot" when I'm 50...60...90? (Who knows, with the raw food and the Bikram yoga, har har har). But one thing I know. "Poised" defies age, income, education level, job status, social class, and trends. It's just timeless. My teeth aren't perfect (in fact, they suck) and my hair may be falling out again, but poise doesn't require a set of veneers and new extensions every three weeks.
At least not in my estimation.
Back to the whole "being a grown-up sucks" theme...I have to go clean now. I am so sick of having a messy, messy apartment. Hooray for cleaning!!!
Date #6 tonight. Don’t have high hopes, talking to him is a bit like pulling teeth. Feels like I’m doing all the work. I ask him questions, he responds....