CUPCAKES AND OTHER DEMONS

I really don't want this to be a "food blog." Really. In fact, I am trying really hard to leave a lot of that behind me, but there are times when I wonder if everyone who is even slightly like me has the same exact life I do, but doesn't yak yak yak about it all day (like I do).

First of all, I must say that being naturally little is a kind of disadvantage when it comes to overeating. Gain five pounds on a little 5'2" body, it looks like a lot more than it would on a 5'6" body. Athletic? Just a slight cover of fat on your muscles, and suddenly it looks like ALL of it is fat.

That said, I have a huge problem lately. I hate the term "emotional eating" especially since I don't feel like I really eat for emotional reasons lately. At least not like I used to. Hard day at work, fight with a guy, not getting along with family...all reasons I used to overeat. Not anymore. That stuff, I get mad, I cry, I bitch to some friends. Now, I have a problem I like to call "stupid eating." Let's see. Go shopping, see self in disgusting light in fitting room, look fat. EAT. Go to yoga, have a hard time, feel like fat is in the way of yoga postures. Go home and EAT. The most recent one is the absolute stupidest. I was at the gym and my ipod battery ran out (happens often as I am lazy about recharging). I grabbed a magazine, and in it was an article about that Biggest Loser show. I really know very little about it, but the article mentioned that the people ate 1200 calories a day and exercised for 6-8 hours a day. Yes, it's unhealthy. But I don't care. It really fired up the competitive vixen in me. It made me feel like a fat failure, because although with Pilates and yoga and cardio, I do get 3+ hours of exercise a day, and the rest of the day is spent running around and cleaning and not sitting a lot...I eat WAY more than 1200 calories. And as stupid and un-sustainable (and ridiculous...um, not supposed to eat less than your RMR, right?) as I know it is, it made me feel like I was just doing it all wrong and needed a "start-over."
Yes. A "start-over."
One little extra handful of grapes over what I like to "allow" myself, and I binge. Why? Because I messed up, and I need a "start-over."
And a "start-over" isn't worth it unless I get what I really "want." (Want is in quotation marks here because of the fact that I really don't WANT to eat all these things that make me sick. Remember, I have so many food intolerances and digestive issues due to Hashi's that overeating is not just overeating...it literally makes me ill because I overeat all the things that I "can't" eat.)
I am totally ruining my health here. I am convinced that somehow the permanent chaos that is our home is causing me to do this. I am so stressed out by mess that I cannot do anything right.

I am off to clean. Um. Wish me luck, I guess...