CUPCAKES AND OTHER DEMONS

I really don't want this to be a "food blog." Really. In fact, I am trying really hard to leave a lot of that behind me, but there are times when I wonder if everyone who is even slightly like me has the same exact life I do, but doesn't yak yak yak about it all day (like I do).

First of all, I must say that being naturally little is a kind of disadvantage when it comes to overeating. Gain five pounds on a little 5'2" body, it looks like a lot more than it would on a 5'6" body. Athletic? Just a slight cover of fat on your muscles, and suddenly it looks like ALL of it is fat.

That said, I have a huge problem lately. I hate the term "emotional eating" especially since I don't feel like I really eat for emotional reasons lately. At least not like I used to. Hard day at work, fight with a guy, not getting along with family...all reasons I used to overeat. Not anymore. That stuff, I get mad, I cry, I bitch to some friends. Now, I have a problem I like to call "stupid eating." Let's see. Go shopping, see self in disgusting light in fitting room, look fat. EAT. Go to yoga, have a hard time, feel like fat is in the way of yoga postures. Go home and EAT. The most recent one is the absolute stupidest. I was at the gym and my ipod battery ran out (happens often as I am lazy about recharging). I grabbed a magazine, and in it was an article about that Biggest Loser show. I really know very little about it, but the article mentioned that the people ate 1200 calories a day and exercised for 6-8 hours a day. Yes, it's unhealthy. But I don't care. It really fired up the competitive vixen in me. It made me feel like a fat failure, because although with Pilates and yoga and cardio, I do get 3+ hours of exercise a day, and the rest of the day is spent running around and cleaning and not sitting a lot...I eat WAY more than 1200 calories. And as stupid and un-sustainable (and ridiculous...um, not supposed to eat less than your RMR, right?) as I know it is, it made me feel like I was just doing it all wrong and needed a "start-over."
Yes. A "start-over."
One little extra handful of grapes over what I like to "allow" myself, and I binge. Why? Because I messed up, and I need a "start-over."
And a "start-over" isn't worth it unless I get what I really "want." (Want is in quotation marks here because of the fact that I really don't WANT to eat all these things that make me sick. Remember, I have so many food intolerances and digestive issues due to Hashi's that overeating is not just overeating...it literally makes me ill because I overeat all the things that I "can't" eat.)
I am totally ruining my health here. I am convinced that somehow the permanent chaos that is our home is causing me to do this. I am so stressed out by mess that I cannot do anything right.

I am off to clean. Um. Wish me luck, I guess...

STUPID IDEAS, VOLUME ONE

We live in an urban area. I love that! What I don't love is that living in an urban area sometimes means your "neighbors" are actually restaurants, clubs, office buildings, or, in our case...a nursing home.
I know.
Nothing wrong with the residents...but I question the sincerity of the employees. Not too long ago, my car (more on that some other day) was completely vandalized, the stupid cheap $200 alpine stereo ripped out...via ripping out the entire dash console. Over $1000 later, I have a new window and a new dashboard, but my A/C and sunroof still don't work, and I still don't have a stereo. (Want an alarm first, confused as to what kind to buy...?)
No less than seven (and probably more) cars in the parking structure have been vandalized and/or broken into, including my husband's car (twice!). I got pissed and hung up flyers. Neighbors approached me with their stories. One man who drives and ambulance and parks right outside when he works this area told me he saw a kid in scrubs come out of the nursing home and try to sneak in the parking area here. (Let it be said that we live in a "nice" area. I have lived in many different parts of this city, and in my experience, break-ins do not occur in "bad neighborhoods" but in neighborhoods where people have good stuff.)
Yeah. Just the kind of people I want to take care of Grandma and Grandpa.
Which brings me to the stupid idea of the day: Make a haunted house for incapacitated elderly people.
Right out my living room window is the ugliest Halloween display I have ever seen (I could go into how much I hate those stupid lawn balloons, but I won't).
Bloody zombies, bats, all kinds of stuff. And either a "spooky sounds CD" or a scary movie, along with colored lighting and a strobe light, playing on a loop once it gets dark.
It just doesn't make sense to me, and I feel sorry for the residents.