A DAY LATE--CRAP JOBS TUESDAY

4/1/09: CREEP JOB TUESDAY (ER...WEDNESDAY)
PLEASE NOTE: THE BOLD IS MINE.


Company Owner looking for executive assistant.
(These days, a title like that is so vague, applicants have no idea what the hell they will be doing.)

The following requirements apply:
1. Intelligent - a broad knowledge base is preferred
Yet, be stupid enough to send all your personal info to an anonymous address for a vague job ad.
2. Not afraid of hard work - could be long hours sometimes
But spend your time sending me your resume before I even tell you what that means
3. Energetic - willing to get up out your seat when I need you
I will call you at 3a.m. so be ready
4. Good personality - I am looking for an upbeat person
SMILE!!! ALL THE TIME!!!
5. Great sense of humor - need to be able to laugh
I tell dirty jokes. Racist jokes. Sexist jokes. That's what I mean by "sense of humor."
6. Open minded - no demure or easily offended persons need apply
Like I said, dirty jokes. I might be kind of a pervert, so if me looking down your shirt will offend you, don't bother.
7. Efficient - multi tasking a necessity
There is no excuse for not being able to answer my email while picking up my Starbucks. Go buy a BlackBerry and a third arm.
8. Timely - when I ask for a task to be completed, I mean right now and not a week from now
Yes, I am the person who throws a fit when I show up 5 minutes after a store closes and they won't let me in. I'm...ME! (Wow. Either this guy has had some messed-up employees, or gives bad direction. A week late? Hm.)
9. Not overly emotional - I don't play word games and don't have time to be careful, so if you cry easily, please don't apply
I'd...like...a...robot.
10. Organized - I need someone to help organize me, so I really need an organized person around me
I'm a fucking ADD slob and don't want to do anything to try to remedy that, so I need YOU!!
11. Excellent memory - I need someone that can remember people, places, things, and tasks
because I won't.
12. Computer skills - MS Word, Excel, PowerPoint, Visio, Project, and Adobe Illustrator
13. Able to follow instructions exactly


For the chosen person, this can be a great opportunity. The salary will be commensurate with proven worth. Do not call, but send resume via e-mail.


"Proven worth?" Wow. The whole ad is full of aggressive wording and makes me think whoever works here will be given about 0% respect.

Maybe it really isn't that bad, but it sounds like hell to me.

I will find a better one next week, I promise.